I Don't Have Time For This

I don't have time for this.

I don't have time to protest one night and wake up and march the next day.

I don't have time to take the blue line for forty-five minutes to get to the airport and hold a sign.

I don't have time to listen to the news every morning and cry for fifteen minutes over a new injustice.

I don't have time to think about history and the Civil War, the World Wars, the Cold War.

I don't have time to plan the resistance. I have laundry to do.

I don't have fucking time for this.

I don't have time to share another article or sign another petition. I don't have the money to give to the ACLU or other organizations.

I don't have time to explain to you why you should drop Uber and use Lyft while turning around and telling someone else that I might need to do whatever saves me a dollar because I still qualify for food stamps.

I don't have time to hate myself for being a hypocrite. I have work in the morning. 

I don't have time to retweet Mike Pence's hypocrisy from a year ago, I just said I have my own to deal with! I don't have time to reread the constitution and call my senator and think "you have to pick your battles, there's four more years of this" when there's a new battle everyday that's just as important as the last.

I don't have time to argue on Facebook over and over about what you should or shouldn't be doing. Or tell or be told that what I'm/you're doing is not enough when we're on the same side. I hate myself either way because it's never enough.

I don't have time to write a blogpost in the middle of the day about how I don't have time for this. But still I do.

I don't have time for another fight. I'm sick of defining everything as black and white, right or wrong, winners and losers, just like he does. 

I don't have time for the hate he spits everyday. I don't have time to feel for the Syrian children. The Muslim filmmaker. The black man beaten on the street. The woman denied opportunity. The sick who can't get healthcare. The gay couple who can't buy a fucking wedding cake. The endless list of those wronged over issues that should've been solved centuries ago.

I. Don't. Have. Time. For. This. 

I don't have time to kid myself that I'm above hate and say that the only right way to respond to hate is with love. That I can't punch a Nazi in the face. The only thing that comes from hate is more hate. And I hate this man.

I fucking hate this man

And I hate that he made me hate because I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

I'm sick. I'm tired.

There are many reasons to hate this man and selfishness is a perfectly reasonable one. He is a cancer that has infected all of us. Even those who support him have to argue why as much as we have to argue why not. He has given each of us a ticking clock that forces us to cram in this whole other thing, this chemotherapy kind of thing, that we just "have to do now" while we're trying to live our own god damn lives and keep from vomiting and keep trying to do the things that we fucking care about and want to do. This is not who I'm supposed to be. There is so much more I want to do.

I don't have the time to be an activist. I'm a filmmaker. I want to make films.

I don't know if what I'm doing is enough. I don't know if what you're doing is enough or if you think less of me for not doing more. Maybe you're stronger than I am. Maybe I'm weaker than you. Maybe the opposite. Maybe we're on the same side but we're so used to fighting we don't know how to stop. Maybe we can never know how the other thinks or feels or hurts. I don't know. I don't know if focusing on the things I care about are their own form of protest. Or if it's still just not enough.

All I know is that he has taken away my time. He has made me hate, turning every waking moment into a tragic fight. And he has likely done the same to you.

If you can't do anything for those in need, do something for you. While there's still time.

That is reason enough.



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